Thoughts On Leaving

I’ve been wondering what it will be like when I’m on my own in Toronto this September. I don’t know how private my living space will be, but if I have a space all to myself, I suppose I’m getting some practice in now. At being alone.

My parents are currently vacationing on a distant beach, where it is sunny and warm and there’s always fresh fruit. My sister doesn’t get home tonight until I’ve gone to sleep. Buddy is taking his own little vacation at my Grandmother’s, where he’s being pampered with walks and love and more time than I could give him as a student right now.

It’s just been me at home.

I have to admit it’s a bit lonely. I don’t need this much space to myself. And it feels a bit strange to consciously spend my time alone at home staring at a screen for several hours.

So what do my nights look like alone?

Dancing to Holding Onto Heaven while I fry vegetables for dinner. Not only am I in love with the song (by the wonderfully talented songstress, Foxes), but the concept for her music video is the sort of thing I daydream about. Her babydoll dress and hair are bonuses.

I’ve been eating nothing but Chinese food with my parents away. Fried rice, slow cooker cha xiu, baked sesame chicken thighs. That sort of thing. I’ve been putting crushed garlic in everything, and my fingers feel permanently stained with sticky, pungent garlic juice and sometimes I forget to wash my hands before rubbing my eyes. It burns.

Cantonese food is comforting… and easy to make. I also might be eating fried rice for lunch and dinner tomorrow. My repertoire of dishes that won’t get burnt or otherwise destroyed during the process of cooking is quite small.

I’ve been doing a lot of dishes. Taking out the compost. Watching Rosianna H Rojas on YouTube. Listening to podcasts and loving the way voices sound through the recording equipment. Missing my dog.

Feeling a little lonely.

Will Toronto be lonely, too? (Yes.) Will I get used to it? (Probably not.) It was my decision to take a program that’s only properly available in Toronto, and I won’t change my mind about going. But I don’t want to go. Some people are going to be unbearable to leave, even if “only” for eight months.

I wonder if anyone has any tips to leaving your hometown and living on your own in a new city. I’m not interested in the “think positive” mantra because it’s kind of obvious and I will try to do that. I will treat my time there like an adventure. I will treat my time there as a time to roll up my sleeves and work as hard as I can.

But I don’t know how to feel comfortable loneliness. I’ve cried twice while writing this. I know it’s going to be rough. I don’t know how to not miss someone.


One response to “Thoughts On Leaving

  1. I can’t ‘like’ this posting. My heart aches to read what you wrote. You & I know that you leaving is another wall in your life you’ll climb over. Right now, you’re looking at that wall. Nature is an option. Get out in it. Go for a run, a brisk walk, rain or shine, even when you don’t want to. Something will happen inside. Your ‘thinking loop’ will be interrupted. Aljhuhºågfb (Buddy jumped on my lap & sat on my keyboard…he needed to add his thoughts) So, yes, other thoughts will eventually pop into your mind & they won’t just be about the _ _ _ _ _ _ rain/snow you’re running in. And keep writing. It’s cathartic. And…I just know Toronto will have some coffee shops that offer delicious comforting hot chocolate wher you can write, eavesdrop, people watch. ❤️ g

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