school & a brain in revolt

i’m halfway through my first week back at uni and currently do not feel like capitalization.

for the past year or so i have written my papers by perching my laptop on the edge of my bed and by using the carpet floor as my chair. when i do this there is always a point in the middle of the night where i lie back on the floor and tuck my knees into my chest, and i cup the palms of my hands over my cheeks and rest my fingers over my closed eyes.

it’s relaxing, and for some reason i don’t fall asleep. i lie there for a few minutes, then pop back up and continue writing.

this is the last year i’ll be doing that, since i graduate from ubc next spring. then, i suppose, i will continue to embark on my journey into adulthood and The Real World of Jobs (woops, capitalization), as i have apparently been doing since eleventh grade. i will continue to be on the cusp of entering the Real World of Jobs because i plan to enroll in a one-year copywriting program after graduation, thereby prolonging my entrance into Full Time Job Life (look at all this capitalization!).

i think there’s a very fine line between the lead up to a person’s adult life and their actually being in it.

interesting how i’ve been constantly told to think about my future for the last six years. think about my life in the future. prepare. yada yada. all important stuff. i think i have a problem with thinking about the future too much, though. i’m also always being told by people older than me that once i hit a certain age, time just flies by with the blink of an eye. i’ve not yet reached that stage in life, but i still keep thinking about my future and to be honest, sometimes i have to remind myself that future me does not yet exist, and to not visualize myself already there, well & prepared from years of thinking about it. lying on the floor, palms over my cheeks and fingers over closed eyes, i remind myself of my real age. that i am actually just shy of twenty-one.

i am very tired of being on the cusp of adulthood. i don’t exactly what to be an adult, or a child, or a whatever we want to call a human being at a certain point in their life. but more than that i don’t want to be on the cusp of anything anymore. it stopped being exciting two years ago. now i just don’t want to be told about my future at all.


One response to “school & a brain in revolt

  1. hmmm….deep Miriam, which makes me think you’ve just slid over the cusp. With ❤️ from one of your elders

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